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Advice for men: How to understand women better

admin — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:17:54 +0000

When it comes to offering advice to men on how to understand women better, the most important thing for men to realize is that women are not all alike. Just like men, women are individuals. Years ago I read the “…Mars…Venus” book, the way so many people did, and I discovered that the traits attributed most to men more closely matched my own and that many of traits attributed to women were traits men I knew had. Much of the time when men think they “don’t understand women” it is more a case of their not understanding the women in their own life or human nature in general.

If I can appoint myself spokesperson for women, however, one thing men (and women) don’t understand is that Nature has designed women in a way, and in a society where women are now generally valued equally with men, that requires their overcoming the things that their gender (and the gender of other female animals) often brings out in other people. Depending on how “feminine-looking a woman is, she may have to live a day-to-day life among people who either try to control her, parent her, protect her, or win some argument or struggle over her. Feminine stature and features don’t tend, in our culture or others, to be the things that automatically command respect or create an image of power; so strong, intelligent, women can live whole lives without anyone’s ever being able to see them for what they are on the inside. This may be why women often need other women as close friends. It is often only other women who understand what its like to live as sometimes invisible people.

Even people who care about a woman may be guilty of not seeing past her appearance and demeanor; so for women, it can feel like being unintentionally “attacked” by even those who care about us.

Men need to try to find a way to separate what they see that makes them assume certain things about women and realize that a woman’s appearance may be completely at odds with the person she is on the inside. Women usually like being women and like to dress in a way that they believe makes them their most attractive self, so they may choose feminine clothes rather than try to dress in a way that makes them look like “fake men”. They just wish they could be their feminine selves on the outside and have others realize that what they are on the inside may include traits that are completely gender-neutral and not necessarily the province of only men.

Women may feel freer to cry at things like their kids’ graduations

Thoughts on womens liberation movement – Part 3

admin — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:43:41 +0000

I remember when I first became aware of feminism. My friend’s mother reveled in it. My mother identified it as immoral. My friend’s mother thanks the feminists for freeing women. My mother blames the feminists for the loss of family values. Both sides are right to some degree.

Early feminists facilitated our right to have a voice in government. The concept that women were not capable of making good decisions about political leadership was fallacious and infuriating. It was women who ran the household and raised the children. They should have a say! What became even more of an issue were the labor conditions in the factories. Entire families were forced to work or starve and the factories were unsafe for children. Women knew that something had to be done. Without the vote, they had nothing to assist them in gaining protection for their children.

Before the world wars, women in the U.S. had few choices. If you weren’t married, you had limited options for employment. If you WERE married and your husband’s wages were not enough, woe to you if you had children.

Millions of women were denied the right to an education. Women can now attend college and be recognized for their contributions to society as educated women. It seems ridiculous to me that people used to think that women COULDN’T think.

Feminism opened doors for women.

Then it went downhill.

Instead of females being proud of their role as nurturers and caregivers for their children, women began to feel that this could not be enough. Even those who were otherwise satisfied began to be pressured into being “more”. The concept that you were somehow inferior because you did not have an outside job slowly took over.

The female’s role as mother began to change. What was once considered to be an important part of our culture became shameful.

Now, women are looked down on if they stay at home to care for their kids. In part, it is due to the feminist movement that many women can’t afford to stay home. Because of all the women on the job market, everybody gets paid less. Of course there are other factors as well, but feminism contributed to it in a big way.

It turned into a throwing away of family values. It would be naive to say that women were never promiscuous pre-feminism. But it isn’t naive to say that there was less of it. Women wanted the same “rights” as men and for some reason there seems to be an unspoken law that men have the “right” to be promiscuous. Women started joining

10 things every man should know about women – Part 4

admin — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:53:49 +0000

Women and men are different. We’ve got a lot in common, but sometimes we just want different things. Our culture stops us from communicating what we really want, especially in dating situations – and there’s some things that are just too awkward to explain.

What secrets aren’t being shared? Here’s ten things you need to know.

* “We don’t always need you to fix it.” There’s an old saying that when a man pops the hood of his car, all the other men gather around. But this helpfulness becomes irritating if a woman is just looking for sympathy. What she wants to hear is “I understand” – not “You should try doing it this way!”

* “You’re not fooling anyone.” Mark Twain said that boys start out by imitating men – and then continue to do so for the rest of their life. It gets confusing for men when their friends or teachers encourage them to act more mature – but a real connection comes from being yourself. A little honesty is attractive, while acting overconfident is a put-off.

* R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Don’t fake respect – feel it. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves, and ultimately everyone does have something to offer. Your mission is to find that – in yourself, and in the women around you. Instead of being a chore, this is really part of the fun. What’s her superpower – and what’s yours?

* Share your sweetness. Men are discouraged from being “too emotional” when they’re young, but in a relationship there’s one emotion women love to see: affection. If you’re thinking a fond thought, share it. If she looks fantastic, tell her! No matter how you were raised, it’s okay to be sentimental during those quiet moments on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

* “If we’re interested, we’ll let you know.” Obviously when approaching someone there’s a subtle dance, since somebody still has to make the first move. But if you’ve already signaled your interest, you’ll get a signal back if the woman you’re pursuing is also interested. And if there’s no signal back – that’s a signal in itself. If you keep pushing it, you’re just being annoying.

* Don’t presume she’s interested. When a man approaches a woman, she’s thinking two things. “Why is he talking to me?” and “When is he leaving?” It’s always uncomfortable when a strange man approaches a woman. Successful pick-up lines invent a plausible reason for the initial contact – and preferably, one that signals you’re leaving soon. Use that moment to make an impression – but never presume that you’ve earned an ongoing audience!

* Listening works. Whether we know it or not, everyone really just wants to connect. Unfortunately, you can feel alone even when talking to someone – if you’re feeling they don’t understand you! But there’s a real joy in communicating. It helps to find something you’re both interested in, but the real key is listening for the feeling behind the words.

* Neediness is a turn off. Men want things, women want things. But telegraphing your voids, your frustrations, and your unresolved pains…makes you sound like a lot of work. No one wants a partner who’s “high maintenance.” If you really want a successful relationship, make sure you’ve got your own life in order first.

* Don’t lie. Even with little things, dishonesty leaves a permanent mark. If “men are from Mars,” trusting them requires a leap of faith. But instead, lies create a reason for distrusting. And even an undiscovered lie can damage a relationship – since then you’ve really made a commitment towards maintaining that lie, indefinitely!

* Don’t sweat it. Women are just like you. Movies and TV shows show extreme examples of female behavior – and male behavior. Fortunately, no one’s like that in real life. We’re all just people.

Discovering that is part of the fun!