Relational aggression among teenage girls (aka mean girls)

I watch in silence as a group of seventh grade girls chat with each other excitedly. Two more girls walk up to the group, their greetings attempting to open the group’s door. The conversation subsides slightly and strained, uncomfortable phrases are exchanged. The interaction quickly ends, the two girls walking away, rejection clearly etched on their faces. Interestingly enough, not only does the group start whispering but also the two girls as they walk away.

The social life of adolescent girls, it is a drama that is inevitable and something they must have. Girls are relational, and their social lives are how they learn to relate with others. It teaches them how to love and nurture others, preparing them for life. It can also be a very dangerous part of an adolescent’s life. As I’ve watched the interactions of girls, pondering my own experiences and trying to make it all make sense; I picked up a few books to see if I could find some ideas. One of the books I read on adolescent girls and relationships was “Queen Bees and Wannabees” by Rosalind Wiseman. She describes the social interactions of girls, the labels and how they all try to fit on the social ladder. As they strive to climb higher, they oftentimes use negative tactics: gossip, rumors, back-stabbing and manipulation, to climb up another rung. These negative interactions are called relational aggression.

RA is a form of bullying, except that it is nearly undetectable. Often when one thinks of bullying, we see an angry kid shoving some smaller kid around or perhaps dumping him into a garbage can. While this kind of behavior does happen, and most people are aware of it, relational aggression is something that is deceiving in appearance. What looks like innocent talk can be a hurtful conversation about someone else. Girls are sneaky in what they say, and even if they say something negative about another girl, they will add something nice to the sentence just to make it sound better. “I feel kinda bad that she doesn’t have many friends, but she is SO annoying.”

Girls can be sneaky with their talk, they are smart and know how to keep things under the radar. They put themselves in a position that assures their higher place on the ladder, while at the same time hiding themselves in great fear. Girls ultimately fear being rejected; they fear being alone. They will do almost anything to keep themselves on top, or to gain status and climb up the social ladder. They must hide most of their true selves, or